rehearsing for summer
Months ago, I served as a chaperone for my daughter’s field trip. I took this picture as a way of congratulating myself for recognizing what scaffolds I would need to support me showing up aligned with my intention – to be in the moment with my daughter as she experienced her first ever field trip…as I entered into her space with the companions who fill her daily life. I was quite clear that a 45-minute ride on a school bus with 100 first-time-school-bus-riding third graders was not going to support me in meeting my intention. I opted to drive myself. Yay, me!
Today, on the first day post my kiddo’s school year, I sit on the cusp of another potentially fallback-inducing experience – summer.
Talking to Ghosts
My sister died one year ago today. There’s such immense pain in knowing she is no longer here. It stops me in my tracks. Takes my breath away. Still.
Have you fallen in love with them, yet?
“Have you fallen in love with them, yet?” she asked. We all snapped to attention with this query, so far was it from the actual emotion we were experiencing. Um…no. I don’t even like them much right now.
Toppling the Facade of Perfection
Growing up, I loved my dad madly. I thought he was the best human around. He seemed to me to have endless knowledge about every subject. He held the bar for what it meant to live by an uncompromisable moral standard. He was kind and compassionate. And, he was exacting in his expectations of others, particularly his children.
Eleanor Rigby
Waits at the window
Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
The Beatles, “Eleanor Rigby”
From Fallback to Spring Forward: Bringing our better selves in times of complexity
Do you remember in those old 80’s horror, adventure, sci-fi flicks when the walls start closing in around the protagonist? Think Indiana Jones…or Star Wars. Doorways close, a boulder rolls in to block the entrance to the cave, windows disappear behind the shifting walls. All the while, the protagonist is desperate for a way to escape the impending doom and is forced to become smaller and smaller in an effort to avoid being crushed by the shrinking space he is in. Well, this doesn’t just happen in movies. This shrinking is also what happens in our psychological self when we experience fallback.
Lost and Found
In November, I lost my wedding and engagement rings. I love my rings, but I don’t wear them all the time. Only when I’m going out do I really put on any jewelry. I opened the dryer one day and found my engagement ring lying under the jeans. I didn’t even realize it had been lost. Suddenly I recalled that the night before when I was putting lotion on Sloane, I slipped the rings off and put them in my pocket. Then I forgot all about them. So tumble-dried engagement ring – here. Where’s the wedding ring? I searched the dryer, shaking each of the jeans that inhabited it. Nothing.
Grown-Ass Woman Meltdown #1
So far, the musings on this website have been largely absent the fallback episodes that pepper my days. Lest you think it’s because I’m sailing through my newfound roles and newfound co-habitating-while-co-working waters at a graceful and efficient clip, allow me to disabuse you of that notion. Let me assure you that there have been many “I need a moment” proclamations followed by intentional deep breathing to allow me to recover and return to my day without losing my shit – inwardly and outwardly. In fact, it’s probably because my fallback occurs many times a day in many micro forms, that I haven’t tended to write about them. After all, I am in the midst of learning-while-doing my new full-time job homeschooling a kindergartener and a fourth grader. It’s hard to find the time to document all the small episodes during which I don’t show up my Big Self. Both, because the time is scarce and the fallbacks are plenty.
Signs that don’t wear signs
Four months ago, I began to fiercely protect the sanctuary of my being space. Yes, it was 9 months ago that I left my job to set out on this path to being. But for the first 2 months, I was spending the summer with my kids. Then, what being looked like to me was being in the company of others…friends who are also colleagues in the field of adult development. We’re an international crew, so this takes a virtual form most of the time. My calendar was filled with zoom video chats. My husband would say I was the busiest non-working person he knew.