What a total solar eclipse can reveal to us about the gifts of the darkness and the light of being human
The shadow moved in slowly, steadily, subsuming the brilliant, hot light in nearly imperceptible increments. I watched it in awe, an inverse image of how I know the universe to work. Full moon nibbled away bite-by-bite toward waning crescent. Only it wasn’t the moon that appeared as if it was being consumed. It was the sun. The all-powerful star of the daytime show at the peak of its performance, eclipsed by a smaller player – the moon.
From Falling Back to Springing Forward
[In image: “Tick Tock Theater” with photo from the “Particular” montage. Rachel Phillips’ Ghost Light Theaters.]
When I was in the midst of my dissertation research, attempting to articulate a theory of fallback, it was autumn in the United States. At the time, developmental researcher, author, practitioner extraordinaire, and one of my research key thinkers, Jennifer Garvey Berger, lived in New Zealand where they were just emerging from winter. There was a period of that research season, as we wrangled our calendars trying to find a date and time for our next interview, that Jennifer and I were actively in the discussion of the precise days that I would fall back and she would spring forward. And for those of you who may doubt that these occurrences of falling back and springing forward are predictable but who may also have your interest piqued in how they could be possible, let me clarify…
Getting in my own way
I get in my own way. A lot. I’ve been watching me doing this for a while. Noticing. Observing. Reflecting.
Most often it’s my Righteous One that cuts me off at the pass. She’s the one who insists on holding her ground around her values, who has a hard time seeing any other perspective than her own. She fears that if she bends, she might break.
No, actually, that’s not it. She fears that if she bends, people will think she’s inauthentic. Authenticity is a big thing for her. Apparently. For me, that is.
Unexamined, Righteous One becomes Dead Right. As in dead in the water. Because I’m so busy tending to my authenticity that I lose sight of the bigger picture, the long game, the other things that are important to me.
The places we go to be seen
How often do we find ourselves in spaces with other humans where we are invited to discover them in their fullness and in that process find ourselves? I suspect for most, this experience is woefully scarce. Yet, it is immensely needed.
It’s the most wonderful (& fallback-inducing) time of the year
It’s the most wonderful (and fallback-inducing) time of the year! What with both my kids’ birthdays and holiday happenings, our family and inner circle that gets swept up in the madness now refers to this month as Livecember. There are a whole bunch of expectations for December to be magical…and there are parts that are... But, even that expectation that I should find joy in every moment this month when joy is often at the farthest reaches during the holiday season can send me tumbling back.
To be tended to
There’s something about this being tended to that allows us to sink into ourselves, into the primal experiences of our being, to reminisce about the journeys we’ve had before, to dream about those that we hope are to come, and to be present to the experience of the now.
This is the place where we reveal our secrets to each other, try out new things, share, and be, and allow together. Here, the tears spill from the corners of our eyes, we experience unbridled joy and longings met.
*The image is from the series “Sculpture” by Rachel Phillips. It is also featured on the cover of Leaving the Ghost Light Burning: Illuminating Fallback in Embrace of the Fullness of You.
Finding Grace on #FallbackDay
Today is #FallbackDay in North America. As in the day our clocks fall back for daylight savings time. It’s also the day I’ve claimed to reflect on our fallbacks – our unceremonious falls from our normal capacities to show up bigger…to ourselves, to those around us, to the world at large.
Cultivating Wild
When I was a child, I was a good girl, a rule follower, in truth, a full-on goodie two shoes. I don’t know that I would have opted in for that role given the full array of choices. But, I was the second of two children, and my sister, Stephanie, had already claimed the bad girl by the time I arrived and got my wits about me. And because early childhood and adolescence is a time of differentiation and black-and-white thinking, I chose the opposite path from Stephanie at almost every turn. The better path. The right path. And, I was rewarded for it.
rehearsing for summer
Months ago, I served as a chaperone for my daughter’s field trip. I took this picture as a way of congratulating myself for recognizing what scaffolds I would need to support me showing up aligned with my intention – to be in the moment with my daughter as she experienced her first ever field trip…as I entered into her space with the companions who fill her daily life. I was quite clear that a 45-minute ride on a school bus with 100 first-time-school-bus-riding third graders was not going to support me in meeting my intention. I opted to drive myself. Yay, me!
Today, on the first day post my kiddo’s school year, I sit on the cusp of another potentially fallback-inducing experience – summer.
Talking to Ghosts
My sister died one year ago today. There’s such immense pain in knowing she is no longer here. It stops me in my tracks. Takes my breath away. Still.
Remembering Stephanie
Stephanie was the keeper of our childhood memories. Even after her brain surgery, she could remember the details of our early life far better than I could. With her passing, I’ve been in fear of forgetting. And perhaps out of preservation, the scenes of her life and ours together have been appearing to me in snippets.
The descending and ascending path of development
When we think (and talk) about development, we often think (and talk) about growth. But, over the past decade through my research and practice, I’ve come to realize that development is about not only the ascending, but also the descending path. Development occurs as we traverse, over and over again, the territory of our knowing, sometimes moving forward, sometimes falling back, sometimes just sitting in the being space, learning what new lessons it has to teach us.
Have you fallen in love with them, yet?
“Have you fallen in love with them, yet?” she asked. We all snapped to attention with this query, so far was it from the actual emotion we were experiencing. Um…no. I don’t even like them much right now.
Toppling the Facade of Perfection
Growing up, I loved my dad madly. I thought he was the best human around. He seemed to me to have endless knowledge about every subject. He held the bar for what it meant to live by an uncompromisable moral standard. He was kind and compassionate. And, he was exacting in his expectations of others, particularly his children.
Eleanor Rigby
Waits at the window
Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
The Beatles, “Eleanor Rigby”
From Fallback to Spring Forward: Bringing our better selves in times of complexity
Do you remember in those old 80’s horror, adventure, sci-fi flicks when the walls start closing in around the protagonist? Think Indiana Jones…or Star Wars. Doorways close, a boulder rolls in to block the entrance to the cave, windows disappear behind the shifting walls. All the while, the protagonist is desperate for a way to escape the impending doom and is forced to become smaller and smaller in an effort to avoid being crushed by the shrinking space he is in. Well, this doesn’t just happen in movies. This shrinking is also what happens in our psychological self when we experience fallback.
After the Rain
It’s Spring Break for the kiddos. And, it’s been raining all week. Rain is hardly ever a welcome meteorologic phenomenon in my world. It’s become even less-so during this time of lockdown. We have so very few options for respite from the walls that surround us, from each other, from the staid repetition of our Groundhog Days. Yet, the melancholy that accompanies the rain is not a phenomenon isolated within this time of pandemic. Not for me at least. This week’s deluge took me back to this time almost a year ago. A time of uncertainty tinged with hope. I wrote then…
Lost and Found
In November, I lost my wedding and engagement rings. I love my rings, but I don’t wear them all the time. Only when I’m going out do I really put on any jewelry. I opened the dryer one day and found my engagement ring lying under the jeans. I didn’t even realize it had been lost. Suddenly I recalled that the night before when I was putting lotion on Sloane, I slipped the rings off and put them in my pocket. Then I forgot all about them. So tumble-dried engagement ring – here. Where’s the wedding ring? I searched the dryer, shaking each of the jeans that inhabited it. Nothing.
Grown-Ass Woman Meltdown #1
So far, the musings on this website have been largely absent the fallback episodes that pepper my days. Lest you think it’s because I’m sailing through my newfound roles and newfound co-habitating-while-co-working waters at a graceful and efficient clip, allow me to disabuse you of that notion. Let me assure you that there have been many “I need a moment” proclamations followed by intentional deep breathing to allow me to recover and return to my day without losing my shit – inwardly and outwardly. In fact, it’s probably because my fallback occurs many times a day in many micro forms, that I haven’t tended to write about them. After all, I am in the midst of learning-while-doing my new full-time job homeschooling a kindergartener and a fourth grader. It’s hard to find the time to document all the small episodes during which I don’t show up my Big Self. Both, because the time is scarce and the fallbacks are plenty.
Do what you love + other ramblings + addendum to “signs” post
There are many things that we cannot do now. Yet, there are no doubt things that you love to do, that in the course of your normal life what with the kids’ sports and activities schedule, your own social calendar, work commitments, in short, life as you knew it when you were able to leave your home… you had a hard time finding time for. Remember what that thing is, and do it.